In a dark room
with spotted lights
hangs a spirit
of remembrance
with a small smile
and haunted eyes.

On a gloomy day
with a clouded sky,
a girl listens quietly
to the breeze.

As her hair flies
and her tears dry,
a baby is left
screaming alone.

The world bellows in
agony.
Every corner possesses
a secret tragedy
that won't be brought
into the spotted light.

(Not sure when this poem was written or how I feel about it.  My guess is in some high school class, based on the paper.)

Above

Light me up
Bring me higher
Than I've ever billowed.
You're the twist and turn that gives my body
Shape
Heat
My vapor love.
Oh fill me up
Quaking and shaking and trembling for more.
Be my soulspiration
Like no one ever before.
Take the edge off
Make my world smooth again as
I draw you in
with each quick breath
And one long exhale.
Intoxicate me, baby
And never let me win.
I'm an addict, and
I need, need, need my fix


Again!

Upon the Passing of a Matriarch In Loving Memory of Grandma

Your ship is no longer sailing

You’ve wisely changed your route

I journeyed through forlorn weather

Still my optimism was acute

Though I wanted to see you smiling

I’m glad you chose calmer seas

Because I’d rather see you resting

Than struggling through storms like these

I hoped against the news that

 Your vessel’s run ashore

Yet slowly I have found

That hope exists no more

At first I tried to refuse but

I’ve come to change my stance.

In truth, I couldn’t deny it.

It was time to give death a chance.

What is this thing in my chest?
Is it a heart? Or is it my soul
Beating out the rhythm of my ways?
Reminding me of all the beauty that paints my life,
Keeping my blood winding through my body,
inspiring every step and every breath,
So I can inhale the magic of the trees and freshly cut grass, glistening with the morning's love.

Or is it you?
Reminding me of your presence,
enveloping me like a familiar bathrobe that cradles my memory and soothes my aches away.

You, whose life was a challenge, a dare to all to exceed everyone's greatest expectations.
To leave the marsh and return with vigor and vim,
Ready to wrestle all the demons and naysayers.
No need for limbs,
your strength is in your eyes, your chuckle, and your brilliant, odds-defying brain.

I want you to guide me and light my path, but you're too wise and far too patient.
Instead, you walk beside me,
Letting me discover how to pick myself up after a stumble.
Oh, how I wish you'd take my hand, but you know best.
Drummer of my life, accompanying my rhythm with the solidity of your soul,
Comforting me even as your memory brings tears to my eyes
and a smile in my heart (oh! there it is!)
Buried within this armor of mine.

I hear your quiet chuckle as you whisper "aw, shoot" and shake your head in amusement and transcendent love.

I am her daughter,
she is my kin.
I know you can't see
all the connections within.

You'd have to look closely,
past that without.
Blue eyes, blond hair,
I know why you doubt.

But life's not so simple
and neither is love,
she is my mother
open your eyes, see traces of

her smile in mine
her cheekbones, my voice
She's given me all these
and much more by choice.

So go on and question
I know you're beguiled
because secrets run deeper
between mother and child.

Happy Holidays!

Testimony of a voluntary victim

Sadness is the drug
That seeps into your soulstream
And leadens your eyelids and steps
Then follows you into your dreams.
It finds you in your tiny corner,
And makes you its witness,
Leads you by the hand through the day,
Without the comfort of quickness.
 you let it sit on your lips
And pull them down,
Tie up your hands
And bind you so you can drown.
You give it permission
To hold you hostage,
It fills you up inside
Until you're the skin of its sausage.
You carry it within you wherever you go,
And it becomes your truth,
Your companion and your communication,
And you think that it soothes,
the burning of your scars,
like a melancholy gauze application.
You walk in the space between the moonlight,
And forget the sensation,
Of sun on your skin,
Of laughter in your throat,
and lightness in your being,
And it giggles and it gloats,
While it robs you of your wings,
And you wonder what happened
To the many, many things
That used to be the reason you awakened,
And looked in the mirror,
Instead of sighing into the sink,
These are the meanings of that weight in your gut.
These are the things you forgot to think.

Inspiration

You used to be all around
everywhere I looked, you could be found,
but it's been a while now
and not a sound.
Please come find me,
I'm still searching in the afterglow.
I'm getting pretty tired now,
and the hands are moving so slow.
My pen languishes idly
while my brain is in overdrive
striving to remember those days
when ink stained and words thrived.
Sing to me of whatever you will
the tapping of my pen is all I hear,
but the sighs that escape with each tock,
the light's fading out and it isn't clear
where you're hiding in all this chaos,
so I'll just sit here and suffer the loss.

(written recently)

Pain

my muscles ache,
but once the dull throb stops,
it will be replaced by
a pain far worse.

The pain will grow
and take over my body:
the heart spreads its pain
throughout the entire soul.

Going back in time a bit here...

I think the next few are back to 7th grade.

A slight flicker

the beckoning

My only light in the 

dark. 

leading me through

uncertainty

The reassuring warmth.

Eventually it burns out.

But in my mind

and in my heart,

I will always see

my candle in

the dark--

burning bright.

An unfamiliar sensation,
I feel like a child lost in the woods.
Searching, seeking a should to cry on,
Or at least a conversation to distract me.
I can't bear it--living with my thoughts.
They taunt me, merciless in their teasing.
I desperately desire the ability to block out
reality.
It keeps crushing in, reminding me
where there was once an "us"
there is now a me.

I wish I could just sleep until things make sense.

IN MEMORIAM

Shallow, shallow, shallow...
the hole in my heart evergrowing.
Painful, but subtly so.
Who knew that things would feel like this?
I feel lonely without your hand to hold.
Cuddling softly between the sheets.
Friendship is meaningful,
but it seems cheap in comparison.
Supposed to spread my wings and fly
away, away, away.
Flying far from this place, but
still unable to escape.
Are you okay? am I?
I don't know if I am or will be...
waiting, waiting, waiting...
for the pain to start or stop.

For *****

When you came,
you quieted a long storm inside of me.
I found in you
the peace I've been searching for.
You've not only shown me your beauty,
but helped me to discover the beauty
within myself.
If you could see yourself through
my eyes,
you'd find the moon and stars
on a clear night,
bringing magic and romance into my
life.
My heart is secure when I'm in your arms,
and I feel the world disappear,
my problems melt away,
as I lose myself in your embrace.
I find comfort in your eyes
whenever I feel alone.
I love you,
my heart will always hold a place
for you and a part of me will be
forever yours.

The Power of your Lips

When you kiss me
it makes my skin tingle
My body screams out with desire.

Your lips are so soft,
so smooth.
Your touch gentle as it sweeps
across my bare skin.

My eyelashes flutter
while my heart begins to beat faster
So hard, so loud
about to burst in my chest.
My breath comes quicker now.
Gasping for more--
I turn to you.

Searching your eyes to find the same desire
reflected in them.
Mingling with the passion, I see your love,
gentle and sweet as the kisses.

(makes me so aware of our every move)

Life With You

You've got my head
                                 s p i n n i n g
dizziness and tumult,
I reach for something
         sturdy    
but find that reality is
               blurred

All that remains is
                                    Us.

My mind is in chaos,
soaring from reverie to
                    reverie...

Like a rollercoaster that
I never want to
get off of--

I love life with you.

My confession

I want you to love me as much as possible.
To think of me by day;
dream of me by night:
To long for a kiss from my lips,
fantasize about my scent,
the curve of my body,
the feel of my skin.
To desire a wisp of my hair across your chest,
my fingers carefully folded in yours.
Our arms wrapped around each other
holding tightly to stay together
while winds swirl around us.
To look into my eyes and see inside my heart.
To laugh and argue without anger.
To compare our shapes and tease each other.
To be amazed by one another.
To hear my voice as I tell you what made me happy
as I whisper I love you with clarity.
As we breathe together, knowing without saying.
Clasping each other in silence when tears are falling.
Making love when the only sound is our breath,
heavy with longing.
Tracing your fingers along my face.
Closing your eyes so you can just experience being close to me.
Walking together, smiling.
Feeling whole.
Sharing a personal paradise.
Dancing to our own music.
Wrestling to be close.
Flying together.
Running your fingers through my hair.
Taking care of me when I'm sick.
Being my best friend when I feel lonely.
I want you to love me
like I love you.

(I struggled with posting this poem because it's so personal.  I don't think it's a very good one, from a writing perspective, but it's smack in the middle of my first real love.  He gave me the notebook that it's written in, and it's the first poem I wrote for him.  Most of the recent poems are from the same book, which is why they're so similar.)

March 4, 2001

You know who I am
you can feel me in the dark
You can see my heart
breaking

I feel lost without you
secure in your embrace
reassured by your love
and happy in your presence

You give me all I need
recognize in my face everything
I'm too afraid to feel.

I see in your eyes
you understand
the music in my soul.

8

Sometimes the world
shines with beauty
so powerful
I can barely breathe.

Colors bursts from every
side,
like a perfect world.

Flawless to my eyes,
you make everything that way.

My heart beats within my
chest, as if I have to scream
to relieve the joy
I have inside
because of you.

Our favorite

Where did the rage go?
I know it so well.
Years of frustration
pent up and mounting quickly
toward an explosion.

Now there's calm,
peace and beauty.
What have you done to me?
You make me feel normal.

I'm sorry that I'm so difficult,
but I'm so confused.
Emotions are so strong,
but I do love you.

I don't mean to make it so hard.
I guess I get scared,
I'm not used to being this fragile.
You hold my heart in your grasp.

Disappointment and betrayal
Burn in my heart,
Pain
Like a knife slicing through my being
My soul
My self
Trust, flicked away.
I feel as insignificant as an itch,
once scratched, forgotten.

You made so many promises,
Your love, your trust, you'd always be there,
Never forget me.
But now,
not a word...
No letters, no phone calls,
Like I don't exist.
It hurts and like a child I always expect you to come back
I can't comprehend it, but
You're g o n e.
?

With a simple look, my breath is gone,
I can't seem to remember anything,
I know only that my heart is suspended
Feel only a long forgotten quaking in my knees.
I quiver with pain and panic,
like a story from my childhood,
reassuring and unthinkable in my life today.
Reality far from with me,
I recognize your face, voice,
A mirage? You step closer,
I back away.
How?  Like a dream, you speak
I have no control over anything.

Cell 9331

In an empty room
with empty walls,
lies a sullen face.

In a place of white
looms a face of black.
What is light is nothing;
what is dark doesn't matter.

She cannot see past the nothing.
The nothing cannot consume her.
Fear has no place
a heart has no beat
Deception is clearly everywhere.

Her eyes reflect everything nobody sees
The emptiness surrounds and holds her down.

No choice to make her options bare
An expressionless face in an emotionless room.

Despair hangs thick in the air with no window for
escape...
No floor, no ceiling, no walls, nor windows and doors.
Held down by everything but nothing.
AIR.
She suffocates on the lack.

Perfect
You're perfect
You've got it all down to an art
You know how to get what you want
From anybody
You took me in
Like a fool,
I fell for your charm
And one day I realized
I had been used
you didn't even know my name
 So busy being yourself,
you forget that there is a world outside your own existence
I hate you.
But if you look at me and smile...
I would do anything
to be in the warmth of that look
even for a moment in time,
My finest hour.

Shame

Burning deep in my chest
i feel your mirth
at my expense.
The pain is unbearable.
Breathing becomes impossible
as the blood rushes to my
face and humiliation
mirrors itself in my downcast
eyes.

Unspoken pity
and unrung laughter
at my error echo in the room
as i search for a
place of comfort and peace
that i can only hope
to find within myself.

Yet i only have one thing
inside me:
shame

A hope.
Forgotten and alone.
So long ago, a beautiful girl
believed in it,
but to her absolute dismay,
reality awaited her
like a gavel,
sentencing her
to bitterness,
unhappiness.
But within her flickers
the lonely and unstoked hope
of a girl who believes in
fairy tales and Prince Charming.

Touring the dank,
she loses her way
slipping, sliding in the caverns
deep within her mind.
She begins to fade
unable to get back.
Turning away, losing hope,
colors being to mix into black.
Now she has dead eyes.

The Power of Your Touch

When you touch me,
        my body trembles with passion.

Your kiss sends my heart
                                                     racing
and my lips
begging for more.

My skin thrills at the light
caress of your lips and hands.

My body screams with
longing, and I'm filled with
love and desire
so strong
I could cry.

I quiver
waiting for you,
the next
drop of fantasy
you offer me.

In a trance,
she lives without thought
breathes without air.
She loves nothing
everything that isn't there.
Her smile, eyes reflect an
empty heart.
Cold blood runs through
her.
She cannot hold emotion,
emotions know her not,
and life is a lonely prison
in a girl everyone forgot.

Her purity astounds
as hair stands on
end at her laughter:
sweet and scary.
unknown to us.
It is kindness that
warms our heads
with ideas of better
lives for our
savage souls.
We ruin ourselves
soaking up her
self.
Trembling,
we stampede
toward her goodness
as bugs toward inner light.
We consume her.
All that remains is
a bewildered child.
One of us now;
the crowds disperse.

Notes

By this lake
stands a shadow
of my loneliness.
Like a whisper
of truth,
the waves meet my dock.
The mixture of sounds
recalls days past,
feelings long flown off.
longing and desire bounce on my heart.
Tears build aimlessly in my eyes.
-suddenly-
Time
stands
Still
in this place of
Solitude
while
I
find my
piece.

Your most genuine thought
drips from your lips
with insincerity.
Your conscious effort to
break me burns in your
eyes as a warning.
I can't hold back;
you consume me,
spit me out
a shell of a girl.
No sparkle
no shine
just pale skin
and sullen eyes
on a dull and lifeless body.
No inner beauty burning hope and
faith
The candle flickers--
Out.

Human Touch

in the clouds looms clarity

beyond the reality and chaos of human life

only angels know the truth.

sheltered from our ruin, they know but love and peace.

clouds as wisps of nothingness

that we can see.

in dreams we almost reach

the magical kingdom

which we are not worthy of.

if human touch came near it,

destroyed then it would be.

for paradise has no chance

when sweaty hands

and scheming minds

may touch upon serenity.

Shiver and shame

Shiver and shame
like the wind in the trees
floating rambunctiously towards
hell
heat waves make sweat pour from my skull
fire licks at my fiber.
Sizzling with terror
an abrupt halt to my flight
no escape as gates open
and swallow me whole.

The hollow aching inside my chest

You gave me this pencil, you gave me this book.
You gave me this gift in one simple look.
You've made me so happy and made me complete,
and when you go, it will be my defeat.

I hold back the tears now, eyes stinging in pain.
The void in my life will always remain.
You are my beauty, my passion, my love.
It was you who always lifted me above.

Now I'm falling fast to the reality below.
I never realized I'd been living so low.

You made it so easy to forget who I am.

 (This one is from when I was 16.)

Fingertips

Fingertips touch
they glide smoothly over bodies
like ivory

Fingertips glide
like gentle kisses
on a sunny day

Fingertips kiss
a gentle caress
like silk against soft skin

Fingertips caress
like rain against naked bodies
a downpour of tiny drops

Fingertips drip
when they melt
against a body

The touch of a fingertip is like no other.

This one is definitely from 7th grade

The Family falls apart
A series of broken hearts
A telephone call
That changed it all
For man and wife
Their beautiful life
their love and their laughter
their "happily ever after"
vanished
into the night.
still searching for a light,
they look for their old flame
and feeling nothing but shame.

Circle

I could have been done,
I could have been through,
I could have been finished
talking to you.
But now instead
after our long discussion,
after all that's been said,
it's all just repetition.

Not sure when this one was written...

Filled with the sense of eternity
clock ticking second, minutes, hours wasted.
struggling with myself
the action I can't control
thoughts racing, pressing themselves into my consciousness.
Battling my will, pressuring sanity.
frustration mounting...
and the clock keeps ticking
seconds, minutes...
hours...
searching for calm, serenity, peace, relaxation
pulled back out of the black
1,2,3,3,2,1--
The future, tomorrow, lists, Remember!
wait, wait, wait.
3, 2, 1--
duties, responsibilities, obligations
no!
2, 1--
melody, music, checks, bills, questions
father, mother, sister, brother...
the clock is still ticking,
1--
counting down to the end
no release, no quiet inside
no moment for myself.
--

Losing the Fight

I sit down to talk,
then I realize I'm speaking to a rock.
He doesn't listen
but keeps on insisting;
he's sure he's right,
no chance for me to win this fight.
And as I begin to cry,
I can see in his eyes
that everything I try to make him hear
is falling on deaf ears.

Cleansing My Body and Soul

When I stand in the shower,
I'd love to stay there for hours.
As the warm liquid glides over my skin,
it cleanses my soul of all its sins.

Blissful Agony

My heart breaks
My head aches
My stomach churns
and my desire burns
but I wouldn't give away
a second of this
agony--it's bliss
the best pain I've ever felt

Finding the Courage

Should i sit here in compliance?
Or should i stand up with defiance?
Should i stay? i'm beginning to wonder
Or should i leave the lightning and thunder?
Turn my back on this storm?
Help my life take on new form?
If i stay, is it of no use?
Am i a victim of abuse?
Should i leave this "romance"?
Does he deserve another chance?
Now is the time to make this choice.
Should i stay or listen to the voice
inside my head that tells me to leave...
and if i do will he grieve?
Or will he go and hunt more prey?
and will she be foolish enough to stay?
My choice i can no longer delay,
so I stand up and walk away.

Peaceful Chaos

A calm spreads throughout the chaos,
people quiet down.
The pandemonium settles itself,
and life goes back to normal.
Hopefully this stillness will stay
until the morning sun.
When people awaken
from a quiet sleep
to a strange new world.
That's when everyone is
at their loudest,
and that's when I'm at my most peaceful.
The world is back in control,
jolted from its vulnerable, angelic sleep.
And I can sleep now,
without a care, knowing that
Chaos will save me from Catastrophe.

Introduction

So here's the deal:

I recently discovered an old box full of poems, most of which were written during my teens years.  I know, I know, I was the cliche teenage girl working out her angst and her love life through her poetry.  It's true, but I thought I had lost all these poems to the recycling bin, and to be honest, I barely remembered half of them when I read them the other day.  In an effort to avoid losing them, I've decided to type them up.  I figured since half the work will be done, why not just put them out there, and see what comes back?  Don't misunderstand me; I'm not so delusional as to believe that they're special to anyone but me (and my mom, haha). I've started writing again lately, so I'll include more recent poetry, too.  I'm not editing or revising the ones from when I was younger (at least not yet).  I think I started writing them in about 7th grade, so I'll start with those poems.  Here we go...